Just keeps getting better. Just heard my grandma fell down the stairs. She's at hospital with my mom. She may have broken her arm or dislocated her shoulder.And of course, I am 4 hours away...

Will keep you posted.

*sigh*

Good news first. I finished my novel. I hope to have to have it ready for sale by mid-October at the latest. I am going to Furfright 2007 and I want to have books to bring. So cross your fingers for me

Ok, now for the sh*t. One of the great things about this blog is that almost no one reads it. And no one from my LJ reads it so I have little fear of offending anyone's sensibilities.

Yesterday our boarder did something amazingly stupid and I congratulate myself for not freaking out.

When my mother-in-law died, she had 4 dogs. The dogs were all parceled out among family and friends and we took Tinkerbell, the oldest. She's 10. Tink isn't fitting in, but it's only been 2 months so... well, it doesn't matter. They aren't fighting and she isn't in danger, so she stays, and hopefully my pack will eventually accept her. Anyway, for some reason, Tink is absolutely terrified of our boarder. I have no idea why. She'd never met him, I know he's never hurt her, but for whatever reason, she is terrified of him. So we were doing the whole "give the dog a treat" thing to try to get her over it. Well, yesterday he tried to give her a treat while I wasn't home and she freaked out.

She snapped at him and bolted, smashing her head thru a glass panel on one of my French doors. Blood everywhere, panicked dog. You get the idea. And I was at work. Luckily our boarder got on AIM and msg'd my husband, who called me so at least I had a heads-up on what I was walking into.

The dog is OK, just a couple of small cuts on her head that bled like crazy coz all head wounds do, but she is totally traumatized now, and just hides in her crate. And I can't believe he would be so f*'ing stupid. I had glass and blood all over the house, an injured dog that will now be even MORE terrified of the guy, and I was just like WTF, what next?

From a Spiritual POV obviously there is something up here. Rob is the ONLY person Tink is afraid of. She has no issues with anyone else, and like I said, he's never hurt her and he's only known her since she got here in July. Now, I am one who trusts my dogs. They know more than I do. But my other three dogs love Rob, so I have no idea what is going on here. And it has me baffled and stressed when I don't need stress.

I've just been in a blue funk for weeks. The summer has really been a drain on me and I'm reaching the end of my ability to cope.

I wanna know why Tink is terrified of Rob. I wanna know why beautiful Monarch butterflies keep throwing themselves in front of my car where I have no chance of not squashing them. I wanna know why I am sad all the time for no f*ing reason.

It's like I'm drowning and I can't get my head up. And I don't talk about it to anyone coz no one wants to hear it. My whole life: shut up, shut up, shut up. Nobody wants to hear about your problems. I use my LJ to vent and all I get are crickets. My friend died of AIDS two years ago, I posted and no one, NO ONE said ANYTHING. People who posted about their dog dying got more responses. It just adds to what I already feel inside: no one wants to hear it. No one gives a sh*t. You're stupid and useless and worthless and nobody gives a crap how you feel, so just SHUT UP!

So I shut up. And no one knows that I feel stupid, and useless and worthless. And it wouldn't matter anyway coz no one really gives a crap. And I'd better stop coz I'm just giving this thing more energy and I'm feeding it like a freakin' Southern Country Buffet. Yay, *I'm* the one perpetuating the negative energy that is making me miserable, so guess what, that's my fault too. Hurray for me.

So I'll shut up

I bit the bullet and made my first book into an e-book.

In 2000 I wrote and published a vampire novel called Blood Origins. It is a vampire novel from a pagan point of view.

A lot of times I have wanted to gut the whole thing and rewrite it, but I have learned that you must love your early work, no matter how flawed you might think it is.

I acknowledge that my writing has significantly improved since 2000. I acknowledge that I am in a very different place mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I acknowledge that it was the best writing I was capable of at the time it was written. I acknoweldge that it is, perhaps unneccessarily, harsh towards Judeo-Christian religion. I acjknowledge that if I had to do it over again, I'd write a different book.

All that being said, I've never read a vampire novel where the vampires were created by the Mother Goddess in order to prey on humans, so in that Blood Origins is unique.

The e-book is a measly $3 availble thru Lulu.press: http://www.lulu.com/content/1139599

If you want to read more about it, plus a preview, you can go to my domain page: http://www.tisilwath.com

I welcome any and all reviews. I hope to have my second novel (not related to the first in any way) out by the end of October.

One more thing. It's always one more thing. One more wound I have to bandage. One more catastrophe I have to deal with. One more mess I have to mop up.

Looking back on this summer, I can say I am glad it is almost over. It has been one of the most hellish summers in my recent memory.

It started in May when my dad had a heart attack and was hospitalized. Then he had to go on dialysis, permanently. He was back in the hospital 3 days after being released for dehydration and bleeding. Please keep in mind that I live in Central PA, my husband works in NJ, and most of my family (and his) are 3-4 hrs away around Philadelphia.

My brother has been hospitalized twice for heart problems.

My mother-in-law died.

I wrecked my car. Flipped it onto its side actually. Not the kind of experience I'd recommend to anyone.

I figured that we are spending $13,000 on gas between my job and Mark's, and all the driving we both are doing heading back and forth from home to NJ and Philly. I make $12,000/yr at my job.

We can't afford to move and none of the employers where we live are willing to pay Mark the salary his making in NJ, or anything close to it.

The dog we got from my mother-in-law is now shitting in the house. She's 10 and she knows better. I have to take her to the vet.

My horse re-injured his leg.

I feel trapped and besieged. I feel everything is on my shoulders because I am here running the house and paying the bills and keeping everything together while Mark is away in NJ.

I am at my limit. Numerous times I have contemplated walking away from everything.

My husband and I are both so stressed out that we end up screaming at each other 8 times out of 10.

And now my car needs all new front brakes and a new exhaust manifold gasket. To the tune of $500-$700 that I don't have.

And I just can't deal. I just can't.

When is it ever going to get better?

Hey all-

I dunno who reads this but I am sending out a request for a volunteer(s). I am writing a novel. It is almost finished. My main female character is half-Cherokee (Eastern Band.) I've done a lot of reading and research so I am pretty sure I have written her well, but I would really like someone who is famillar with Cherokee culture and beliefs to read it amd make sure I am being historically and culturally accurate.

Any brave souls? It's a long novel and I'd need to have feedback by the first week of October. Any and all takers would be welcome, just send me a message thru this site and I'll get back to you.

Thanks!

Izzy