*sigh* There are times when I really have to step back and wonder what the higher lesson in all of this is. Really.

Lately I have been dealing with a LOT of first and second chakra issues and wondering how I got so screwed up. I've been dragging them into the light and turning them over and asking "Why are you like this? Why do you think this way? Why do you believe these things about yourself? Where does all this crap come from?"

Why do I think I am worthless and ugly and unworthy? Where did this bulls**t start? And why do I feel it so deeply that it seems to be my normal alignment, and I have to consciously concentrate to recognize when it is happening and put a stop to it?

Lately I have been dealing with how easy it is to make writers think their work is crap. Poppy Z Brite once made a post on how fragile writers are and how easy it is to make them think that their work is worthless. I'm like that.

My book Heart of a Fox is GOOD. I am a good writer. It is quality work. I'm not some two-bit tween who doesn't know how to spell or string a sentence together. I have been writing and honing my skills for TWO decades. Everyone I have sent the book to has loved it. One editor said it was "nearly flawless." The worst feedback I have gotten on it is that the margins are too wide.

But now I am embroiled in a tug of war with the publisher Lulu over a shipment of defective books I received. I am saying that the problem is theirs and they need to compensate me for the mis-printed books, and they are saying it's my problem and tough doo-doo on me if I'm out $300.

I ordered 20 copies of my book. They arrived with faded-out covers and skewed pages. The 16 copies of my book that I prevously ordered came out fine, but the cover was too dark and I found some mistakes in the manuscript. So I had the artist who did the cover lighten the art, I fixed the mistakes, reloaded everything and ordered copies.

When I got the books and found the problem, I went to Lulu support. I sent them scans of the defective covers. They said they needed to consult a print specialist and they'd get back to me after the weekend. Over the weekend, I took the file back to the artist. We printed it on all 3 of her color printers, and we took it to Fex-Ex Kinkos and printed it there too. Each time the file printed fine with no fading of the color. In fact the only way we could recreate the problem was to reduce the saturation on the file to 50%. We declared that it was Lulu's printer that had the problem.

Now Lulu is saying that an artist who has been doing publications and book covers for over 20 years made the stupid mistake of not flattening a transparency layer on the PDF and that's why it printed wrong. Odd that this "transparency layer" doesn't exist on any of my copies of the file, and that I know the PDF file was properly rasterized because I was sitting right beside the artist when she flattened the layers and saved the PDF. But of course, I can't *prove* that because *their* copy has the *ahem* alleged transparency layer that only buggers up their printer.

And as for the skewed pages? Well, that's my margins being too wide. Nevermind that the 16 copies I previously ordered have the same margins and all printed just peachy. But wait! Those copies I paid extra to rush, but the defective copies I didn't pay any extra to rush print and ship. Could it be that non-rush orders are being outsourced to print houses with substandard equipment?

The fall-out of this is Heart has been removed from distribution pending a resolution, which means what few people who would have bought Heart for Christmas and Yule presents are unable to do so because it's not available.

Let me be frank. I have no illusions of being the next JK Rowling. I have no desire to be her. I like my quiet life and I want it even quieter. I want to build a house in the woods and be away from crowds and urban life. I don't write to be a famous author. I write because there are these characters in my head that want their stories told and writing them makes me happy.

All the same it's nice to sell books. It's nice to get feedback, whether good or bad because even bad feedback is valuable- it helps you improve. And it hurts to have such trouble getting it out there. It makes me question my talent and my ability to market my work.

I ask "Why is this happening? Why do I now have 20 copies of my book that I can't do a thing with because they are defective? I can't even donate them because the skewed pages cut off words. Why is this happening to me?"

Yes, yes, I know pity party. Get over it already. I know.

What I've done is create a new version of the book separate from the project that is having the problems and I ordered a copy of it. It, thankfully, printed beautifully and I have ordered 10 more copies. BUT the copy that printed fine was a rush order. If the 10 I ordered that are not rush print wrong then I will know that Lulu outsources their non-rush jobs to substandard printers and I will be doubly upset at a time when my stress levels are high anyway because of the holidays.

But at least the $300 is a tax write-off, right? :/

I dunno. I don't know what it all means, other than Lulu are jerks that won't admit the problem is theirs because then it will mean they owe me 20 books.

But if you have the time, please send good energy towards a positive resolution to all of this drama because goddess-knows I don't need the stress right now.

Thanks.

Be safe.

Izzy